Hey there, dirty sinners! Break out yer bibles, it’s time for a ten commandments refresha!
It our shameful modern world, it’s easy to forget the important things in life. The god things. The instructions that were bequeathed to thee such that we may live some sort of holy holiness.
Yes! The big ten!
In case you’ve forgotten the tale, I’ll summarize it briefly:
Ol’ Mo returned from Mt. Sinai bearing those infamous slabs, only to be greeted by his belligerent followers worshipping a golden calf. Naturally, this pissed him the fuck off! So, he took the tablets – crafted by GOD himself, mind you – and touchdown-spiked them into the earth, leaving a smattering of illegible shards.
Fortunately, he had a mulligan, so yahweh called his ass back up the mountain for another set, “I will write upon these tables the words that were in the first tables, which thou brakest.”
Good thing the ORIGINAL commandants weren’t lost! Whew!
So now, homeboy treks down with an armload of tombstone-looking slabs, ready to school the unclean hoards with his godly commandments, conveniently WRITTEN IN FUCKING STONE – no doubt the origin of the expression we know now today.
Alright – get your printers ready! I’ve graciously compiled the TEN COMMANDMENTS, should you need a copy of your own – I mean , who doesn’t , right?
Observe thou that which I command thee this day:
1 14For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God: 15Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice; 16And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods.
2. 17Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.
3. 18The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread, as I commanded thee, in the time of the month Abib: for in the month Abib thou camest out from Egypt.
4. 19All that openeth the matrix is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male. 20But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty.
5. 21Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest.
6. 22And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the firstfruits of wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year’s end.
7. 23Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the LORD God, the God of Israel. 24For I will cast out the nations before thee, and enlarge thy borders: neither shall any man desire thy land, when thou shalt go up to appear before the LORD thy God thrice in the year.
8. 25Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning.
9. 26The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the LORD thy God.
10. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother’s milk.
27And the LORD said unto Moses, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words I have made a covenant with thee and with Israel. 28And he was there with the LORD forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
SO, I hope the lot of you have been abstaining from boiling goats in their mother’s milk! Yahweh would be very dissapointed! And all you farmer cats – best be givin’ yo livestock to the lard – glory glory! Only the males though.
Context: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+34&version=KJV
xoxoxo
the Loathsome Rationalist
Filed under: Religion, Atheism, Atheist, bible, ten commandments, the, the real ten commandments, what are the real ten commandments
